my life rememberances

hello self,,,
i hope that you are finding more about yourself that you haven't wanted to look at or hoped that you would never have to.
i was again asked what causes you to go to anger and what do you think about how you viewed your mom and dad and what that has caused you to do with your view of God. i know my parents loved me but i know i didn't feel it in my heart. it is easy for me to put everything in my head and basically just dismiss it! it seems odd to me that when i am poked and prodded and asked to feel, the hurt in my body always goes to my heart. i get this hurting/ heavy feeling centered right around it (not like i am having a heart attack). i have always had random shooting pains throughout my body. i am not even sure why those occur, but they do. i want to feel things in the moment and be able to express what i am feeling and not just say : i don't know or i'm not sure!
how do i feel about my mom.... i have always felt like she is there for me but doesn't always know what to do with me. as i have gotten older, i have felt that she at times has been unsure of how to do things when i know she has the talent to do it (when it comes to drawing and painting things). my family doesn't show emotions so it is hard to know what i feel or even think about how they did raising us (conflict is bad!!!). i have hidden from my family and even friends hoping someone would come and look for me. sometimes they did but 9 times out of 10, they wouldn't. i can probably say that i hated myself most of my life. i have never felt like i belonged here and have wondered why God didn't allow me to be born in some other century or even be born at all. looking back, it makes me so sad! it is hard to try and make myself want to remember it all to see when and where i started agreeing with what i felt. why do we buy into the belief that we are worthless?? everyone does it and how do we stop it?
the only thing that made me feel good about myself was when i was hunting or fishing. it was something i was good at. i was a good shot, i didn't miss much when dove hunting, i did pretty good at finding where the fish were. (this is another topic i've been asked to look at).
how did i feel about my dad....
same thing as mom, i knew he loved me but i didn't feel it though. i felt like work was more important a lot of the times and that we were secondary. we never had much, but we always had food, clothes and shelter. my dad never showed anger. he never argued with anyone (at least not in front of us). we where made to read the bible every night even if we didn't want to (after dinner). mom and dad always told us we had to be good where ever we went). i felt like i wasn't favored except when it came to hunting or fishing. sometimes it still feels that way. (fyi.......  i'm am not bashing my parents. i love them and i'm glad that they still love us and help take care of us when my family is in need. everyone messes up!!). i want to get to the bottom of why i am the way i am.
what do i feel about God...
to be honest with myself and to be honest with God (even though He knows everything..) i have never felt really close to Him. i have always been told that you need to do this or that to be a "good christian" and to have God be "proud of you". i know where i'm going when i die. that is not the question. i have felt like He is just sitting close by just watching and not doing anything. i have always wished that i could "hear His voice" or to really feel like He is right there holding me and telling me that He truely loves me. i have been envious and jealous of people who have said they had that with Him. i know that He takes care of me and He continues to do so. He has proved that over and over. how i long to hear His voice and to have Him hold me in His arms and tell me that i am loved by Him!
i'm getting tired.... so until next time.....
HERE'S TO LIVING AND FEELING... ugh....it's hard for sure!