Why do I do the things I don't want to do?? I am tired of letting evil beat me here. I feel like nothing is ever going to change! Will it ever go away. All I do is keep hurting my wife and make her upset. Why do I keep giving in. It's not even like I am trying to numb out either. I feel like I'm sick and perverted and that is all I ever will be. I wouldn't even blame my wife for not wanting to be with me. I want this addiction to go away forever. I am tired!! Why did I ever have to be exposed to it when I was young? Why can't I leave it and not go back to it. I wonder why God hasn't allowed me to experience freedom from my addiction to pornography? Will I get to experience that? I want to! Please forgive me Lord. I know you have but a lot of times it doesn't feel that way.
Help me Lord. Bind up evil and put him where he belongs. May I continue to lean on you for comfort and safety. I am sorry for the pain that I cause you my darling wife. I don't want to hurt you and I don't want to keep things from you!!! Thank you for walking in this with me and for helping me.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Thursday, August 4, 2011
??
I don't know!! i am hurt, i feel broken, i feel like i'm a failure. i feel like all i will ever do is fail. i need help and i don't know who to ask or if anyone really even cares!!!! i need GOD!! I need him to show up for me and to help me and tell me that it is going to be ok! i need to know that there is HOPE and that it really is present. why can't i "be a man"?? what is that really supposed to look like? am i really lovable? i really don't know that i am (or at least that is what i feel). i am wishing that things could look drastically different. how do those changes come about? i want and need answers!! i was handed a bunch of information and i don't know what to do with it.the easy out would be to run and don't look back. that is not who i am or what i want to do! i need help to fight for me and the 2 people i love the most. I need you GOD. Please help me and show me how to be the man that you created me to be. i don't want to lose my family! show me how to lament and draw closer to you.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
what does loss look like??
for me, loss looks like having to give things up. it looks like realizing that your father and mother weren't really present in my life. it looks like not having enough time in the day to do everything i need to do (like get things done around the house, spend quality time with my wife and son, to not have closer relationships with friends from the past). my wife posted about potential and possibilities. what does that really look like in relation to my life? i don't even know if i can grasp that concept. it feels like all i have known is loss and the disappointment that comes with that. i have been blessed with a beautiful wife and son and i'm not about to lose them!!
i'm emotionally tired. i can't even really think.
i need some really good sleep.
to be continued.....
for me, loss looks like having to give things up. it looks like realizing that your father and mother weren't really present in my life. it looks like not having enough time in the day to do everything i need to do (like get things done around the house, spend quality time with my wife and son, to not have closer relationships with friends from the past). my wife posted about potential and possibilities. what does that really look like in relation to my life? i don't even know if i can grasp that concept. it feels like all i have known is loss and the disappointment that comes with that. i have been blessed with a beautiful wife and son and i'm not about to lose them!!
i'm emotionally tired. i can't even really think.
i need some really good sleep.
to be continued.....
Thursday, June 30, 2011
my life rememberances
hello self,,,
i hope that you are finding more about yourself that you haven't wanted to look at or hoped that you would never have to.
i was again asked what causes you to go to anger and what do you think about how you viewed your mom and dad and what that has caused you to do with your view of God. i know my parents loved me but i know i didn't feel it in my heart. it is easy for me to put everything in my head and basically just dismiss it! it seems odd to me that when i am poked and prodded and asked to feel, the hurt in my body always goes to my heart. i get this hurting/ heavy feeling centered right around it (not like i am having a heart attack). i have always had random shooting pains throughout my body. i am not even sure why those occur, but they do. i want to feel things in the moment and be able to express what i am feeling and not just say : i don't know or i'm not sure!
how do i feel about my mom.... i have always felt like she is there for me but doesn't always know what to do with me. as i have gotten older, i have felt that she at times has been unsure of how to do things when i know she has the talent to do it (when it comes to drawing and painting things). my family doesn't show emotions so it is hard to know what i feel or even think about how they did raising us (conflict is bad!!!). i have hidden from my family and even friends hoping someone would come and look for me. sometimes they did but 9 times out of 10, they wouldn't. i can probably say that i hated myself most of my life. i have never felt like i belonged here and have wondered why God didn't allow me to be born in some other century or even be born at all. looking back, it makes me so sad! it is hard to try and make myself want to remember it all to see when and where i started agreeing with what i felt. why do we buy into the belief that we are worthless?? everyone does it and how do we stop it?
the only thing that made me feel good about myself was when i was hunting or fishing. it was something i was good at. i was a good shot, i didn't miss much when dove hunting, i did pretty good at finding where the fish were. (this is another topic i've been asked to look at).
how did i feel about my dad....
same thing as mom, i knew he loved me but i didn't feel it though. i felt like work was more important a lot of the times and that we were secondary. we never had much, but we always had food, clothes and shelter. my dad never showed anger. he never argued with anyone (at least not in front of us). we where made to read the bible every night even if we didn't want to (after dinner). mom and dad always told us we had to be good where ever we went). i felt like i wasn't favored except when it came to hunting or fishing. sometimes it still feels that way. (fyi....... i'm am not bashing my parents. i love them and i'm glad that they still love us and help take care of us when my family is in need. everyone messes up!!). i want to get to the bottom of why i am the way i am.
what do i feel about God...
to be honest with myself and to be honest with God (even though He knows everything..) i have never felt really close to Him. i have always been told that you need to do this or that to be a "good christian" and to have God be "proud of you". i know where i'm going when i die. that is not the question. i have felt like He is just sitting close by just watching and not doing anything. i have always wished that i could "hear His voice" or to really feel like He is right there holding me and telling me that He truely loves me. i have been envious and jealous of people who have said they had that with Him. i know that He takes care of me and He continues to do so. He has proved that over and over. how i long to hear His voice and to have Him hold me in His arms and tell me that i am loved by Him!
i'm getting tired.... so until next time.....
HERE'S TO LIVING AND FEELING... ugh....it's hard for sure!
i hope that you are finding more about yourself that you haven't wanted to look at or hoped that you would never have to.
i was again asked what causes you to go to anger and what do you think about how you viewed your mom and dad and what that has caused you to do with your view of God. i know my parents loved me but i know i didn't feel it in my heart. it is easy for me to put everything in my head and basically just dismiss it! it seems odd to me that when i am poked and prodded and asked to feel, the hurt in my body always goes to my heart. i get this hurting/ heavy feeling centered right around it (not like i am having a heart attack). i have always had random shooting pains throughout my body. i am not even sure why those occur, but they do. i want to feel things in the moment and be able to express what i am feeling and not just say : i don't know or i'm not sure!
how do i feel about my mom.... i have always felt like she is there for me but doesn't always know what to do with me. as i have gotten older, i have felt that she at times has been unsure of how to do things when i know she has the talent to do it (when it comes to drawing and painting things). my family doesn't show emotions so it is hard to know what i feel or even think about how they did raising us (conflict is bad!!!). i have hidden from my family and even friends hoping someone would come and look for me. sometimes they did but 9 times out of 10, they wouldn't. i can probably say that i hated myself most of my life. i have never felt like i belonged here and have wondered why God didn't allow me to be born in some other century or even be born at all. looking back, it makes me so sad! it is hard to try and make myself want to remember it all to see when and where i started agreeing with what i felt. why do we buy into the belief that we are worthless?? everyone does it and how do we stop it?
the only thing that made me feel good about myself was when i was hunting or fishing. it was something i was good at. i was a good shot, i didn't miss much when dove hunting, i did pretty good at finding where the fish were. (this is another topic i've been asked to look at).
how did i feel about my dad....
same thing as mom, i knew he loved me but i didn't feel it though. i felt like work was more important a lot of the times and that we were secondary. we never had much, but we always had food, clothes and shelter. my dad never showed anger. he never argued with anyone (at least not in front of us). we where made to read the bible every night even if we didn't want to (after dinner). mom and dad always told us we had to be good where ever we went). i felt like i wasn't favored except when it came to hunting or fishing. sometimes it still feels that way. (fyi....... i'm am not bashing my parents. i love them and i'm glad that they still love us and help take care of us when my family is in need. everyone messes up!!). i want to get to the bottom of why i am the way i am.
what do i feel about God...
to be honest with myself and to be honest with God (even though He knows everything..) i have never felt really close to Him. i have always been told that you need to do this or that to be a "good christian" and to have God be "proud of you". i know where i'm going when i die. that is not the question. i have felt like He is just sitting close by just watching and not doing anything. i have always wished that i could "hear His voice" or to really feel like He is right there holding me and telling me that He truely loves me. i have been envious and jealous of people who have said they had that with Him. i know that He takes care of me and He continues to do so. He has proved that over and over. how i long to hear His voice and to have Him hold me in His arms and tell me that i am loved by Him!
i'm getting tired.... so until next time.....
HERE'S TO LIVING AND FEELING... ugh....it's hard for sure!
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
anger - don't allow it ???
I'm back!! what questions do i have!
i was asked a question on monday as to where my anger comes from. what causes it and what is really going on for me. the other question is why am i passionate (i.e. do i like hunting and fishing so much) about hunting/fishing.
i couldn't really answer that in that moment.
I have known that i have had an anger issue for a long time. things make me mad, people make me mad, circumstances make me mad and a lot of times, life just makes me mad. i do know that i have felt that my anger is too much and therefore, i have to stuff it so far down that i don't allow it to be shown. oh but it does show up!! i tend to take it out on the closest thing to me whether it be a wall, the floor or any other object i can find. i usually do this when people aren't looking or i town it down if they are close by. my family just looks at me and wonders why i do that and just tell me to calm down. what if i don't want to calm down, what if i just want to scream at the top of my lungs? will that really make me feel better? will anybody want to be near me or will they be to scared of me? i apparently make people uneasy sometimes just by the way i stand and the way i just look around at things. i am not scary. what do i do with this and how do i allow it to come out and not cause myself or others harm?
this is why i am meeting with someone to talk about this. i can't keep it stuffed anymore!! i want to live and be able to feel all the emotions and know that i am o.k. and that i am not to much for people and that they still care enough about me to want to be in relationship with me.
i feel like i'm rambling... how do you even write in an orderly fashion?
to be continued,,,,
i was asked a question on monday as to where my anger comes from. what causes it and what is really going on for me. the other question is why am i passionate (i.e. do i like hunting and fishing so much) about hunting/fishing.
i couldn't really answer that in that moment.
I have known that i have had an anger issue for a long time. things make me mad, people make me mad, circumstances make me mad and a lot of times, life just makes me mad. i do know that i have felt that my anger is too much and therefore, i have to stuff it so far down that i don't allow it to be shown. oh but it does show up!! i tend to take it out on the closest thing to me whether it be a wall, the floor or any other object i can find. i usually do this when people aren't looking or i town it down if they are close by. my family just looks at me and wonders why i do that and just tell me to calm down. what if i don't want to calm down, what if i just want to scream at the top of my lungs? will that really make me feel better? will anybody want to be near me or will they be to scared of me? i apparently make people uneasy sometimes just by the way i stand and the way i just look around at things. i am not scary. what do i do with this and how do i allow it to come out and not cause myself or others harm?
this is why i am meeting with someone to talk about this. i can't keep it stuffed anymore!! i want to live and be able to feel all the emotions and know that i am o.k. and that i am not to much for people and that they still care enough about me to want to be in relationship with me.
i feel like i'm rambling... how do you even write in an orderly fashion?
to be continued,,,,
Friday, June 10, 2011
I have questions !!
i don't even know where to begin. this is going to be a journey into my life and soul and i'm not sure what to do or say. i just know that i need to start writing down my thoughts and questions so i don't try and erase them from my memory.
until later,
until later,
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